What to do when the person you love the most discards you

But what triggered me more is that, though everyone seemed to be in agreement that 'men are trash', no one seemed to care why - as if, being 'trash' is just an innate characteristic of being a man that was not worth investigating any further.

Sanford & Son.

Not long ago, the phrase 'men are trash' permeated our collective consciousness. I found this saying particularly triggering, partially because deep down I knew that some of my behaviors were indeed trash. But what triggered me more is that, though everyone seemed to be in agreement that 'men are trash', no one seemed to care why - as if, being 'trash' is just an innate characteristic of being a man that was not worth investigating any further.

My mom getting sick woke me up to the reality that everyone suffers. Because I no longer wanted to contribute to suffering, I became very interested in why I sometimes acted in 'trash' ways. In seeking why, I found that it was because deep down a part of me felt like trash. That part of me felt like trash because when I was young & vulnerable, someone I really cared about & admired discarded me as if I were trash. He made me feel like my existence did not carry any significant meaning in his life.

One of my core childhood memories is sitting on the porch with my clothes in a plastic grocery bag beside me, eagerly waiting for my father to come pick me up like he'd promised. Every time I would hear a car coming from behind the tree-line, I'd get excited in anticipation of seeing his car. Then the car would break the tree-line, I'd see that it wasn't him, & I'd be disappointed. This pattern would continue for hours until eventually my mother, after many failed attempts, would convince me that he wasn't coming. And that is where my worthiness wound originated. My father often displayed that whatever he had going on was more important than me. He discarded me. And it made me feel like trash.

As you might imagine, being made to feel worthless or unworthy could make it difficult to feel compassion for others. One of my least favorite things about human beings is that we seem to be addicted to competing in what I deem to be the 'Suffering Olympics' - a constant competition to prove who has it the worst. What I felt gave me a significant edge in the Suffering Olympics was that my father had abandoned me. And for years I used that pain to justify, or rather nullify, any pain that I caused someone else because 'I had it worse'.

It has taken me a long time to accept it but my purpose here, in part at least, is to help others heal. A good healer must have direct experience with whatever it is they are treating. So ironically, though the wound of my father discarding me contributed to me feeling & spreading a lot of pain into the world, it also put me in the perfect position to help heal the pain of being discarded.

Life is full of contradictions

Here are two contradictory statements that are both true:

A part of me longs to know what it would have felt like to consistently have my father in my life
I'm grateful that my father was not consistently in my life because it shaped me into someone I genuinely love & put me on a path towards doing what I love which is helping others

In fact, what I'm going to attempt to shift your perspective on in the rest of this post is that my father discarding me as a child was a movement of Love. Perhaps not from him directly, but from Love itself.

If God is love and God moves in mysterious ways, then it's logical to assert that Love moves in mysterious ways. My argument is that God mysteriously withheld me from my father, not as a punishment or to put me at some sort of disadvantage but rather as a special ingredient - a catalyst that would shape me into something I couldn't become otherwise. A sort of specialized training that would prepare me for my work in guiding others back home to the inherent value that always has and always will exist in their Self.

I couldn't agree more with Carl Jung's assertion that "Meaning makes a great many things endurable—perhaps everything." That being said, my best advice to those who have to deal with the sometimes unendurable pain of being discarded is to first change your perspective about it. Perhaps it's not that someone saw you as without value but rather something greater saw you as especially valuable & is wanting to use you as a tool to help others find a value in themselves that is not based upon something as fickle as another person's desire for them.

I'm so grateful to have not gotten what I wanted

If my father had been a consistent presence in my life, I probably would have turned out just like him. And that's exactly what little Micheal wanted but adult Micheal has been blessed with a life that my father could have never led me to. They used to call me 'little Leroy' when I was a small child & as much as I admired my father, I hated being called that name. And I think that's because even then my soul knew I was destined to become my own thing. The world already had a Leroy & God prevented me from becoming another one because the world needed a Micheal.

What is for you cannot miss you so it's important to internalize that what appears to be rejection at first glance could actually be a redirection or a sort of protection. So, what I feel you should do when the person you love the most discards you is, say 'thank you', because they are presenting you with an opportunity to become something totally unique - without their opinions, judgements, or influence. And while the wounded ego would like to think that not being discarded by someone we love would have produced an overall better outcome, the reality of it is that just because someone feels good to you, doesn't mean that they are good for you. And just because you love someone, doesn't mean your paths have to be directly intertwined.

What's really fascinating about it all is that now my father does want me. In fact, if he had his way, we'd talk more and spend a lot more time together. And while being desired by my father as an adult after not feeling that way as a child brings it's own confusion that I'll dive into another day, it seems the version of Micheal that was created in his absence turned out to be a version that he enjoys a lot himself. We don't really have a father/son relationship, it's more like friends. I honestly don't think my father has the capacity to be a father in it's fullest definition. And that's probably why he finds it easier to want me as an adult vs as a child. So in a roundabout way, my father's absence in childhood ultimately brought us closer in adulthood.

Love liberates, it never binds

More than happiness, love wants growth, the widening and deepening of consciousness and being. - Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That

I followed my heart into the cold, dark unknown.

I'm writing this newsletter from my new apartment in Pittsburgh, PA. A place that I've only been to on two occasions. The first is when I visited last December to look for apartments & the second was yesterday when I moved in. I find myself here after the hardest breakup of my life and it was the hardest breakup of my life, not because we left fighting, angry, resentful, hateful, or despising each other but rather because we still love each other deeply. And I don't think we understood how deeply we love each other until we were faced with going our separate ways. Though our relationship has a lot of love & though I'd grown very accustomed to the life we shared together, there was a part of me that was deeply craving a growth & evolution that hadn't been possible for me to reach in the environment we shared together.

My former partner illustrated to me one of the purest expressions of love that I've ever received when she let me go in love. Because in that action she showed me what I know to be true about love & that is that love is not ultimately concerned with possessing another person but rather it's concerned with moving one in the direction that will serve their soul's expansion, growth, and highest good.

I totally understand how someone you love no longer wanting to possess you could make you feel unloved & discarded but I hope what I've presented to you in the preceding paragraphs will at least provide you with another perspective that perhaps, being let go by someone you love, is one of the highest expressions of love there is.

Growth Challenge

This week's challenge is about discovering and acknowledging the positive outcomes that have emerged from one of life's most difficult experiences - being discarded by someone we love. While it may seem counterintuitive to look for silver linings in such painful memories, this process can lead to profound personal growth, healing, and understanding.

Why This Challenge Matters:

Being discarded by someone you love often leaves deep emotional scars, and it's easy to get caught in a cycle of pain and resentment. However, hidden within these experiences are lessons, strengths, and insights that can contribute to our growth and resilience. By redirecting our focus to the positives that emerged from these situations, we can transform our perspective, heal our wounds, and empower ourselves. This challenge is a step towards reclaiming & reshaping our narrative and finding meaning in our experiences.

How to Participate:

Prepare Your Journal: Choose a journal or digital document where you will record your thoughts and reflections throughout this challenge. This space is yours - make it comfortable and inviting.
Reflect on the Experience: Start by writing down the experience of being discarded. Describe the situation briefly, focusing on facts rather than emotions.
Identify the Emotions: Write about the emotions you felt during and after the experience. Acknowledge these feelings without judgment.
Seek the Positives: Now, shift your focus. Reflect on the positive outcomes that emerged from this experience. Make a list of every positive that was birthed from this feeling of being discarded.
Embrace Gratitude: For each positive aspect you identify, express gratitude. This can be challenging, but gratitude, especially towards painful experiences, can significantly shift your perspective about those experiences.
Share Your Insights (Optional): If you feel comfortable, share your reflections with your community, someone you trust, or a support group. I've found personally, and this newsletter should serve as proof of how cathartic and healing sharing our painful experiences with others can be. It helps us see that we've never been as alone as being discarded may have made us feel.

Weird & Worthy Merch!

Weird & Worthy t-shirts (and mugs!) are now available for purchase and you can follow the link below to get yours!

If you missed out on the origin of the "Weird & Worthy" gear, check out this post where I talk more in depth about it.

I'ma keep it real with you, the last seven days of my life have been a whirlwind, to say the least, and I haven't had time to drill down on a title for the next newsletter. You'll find out what it is when I do 😙

Please take care of yourselves and I will talk to you next week! 💜