Do You Feel Me?

The only difference between a reaction and a response is space. Or rather, space provides the time necessary for whatever emotions triggered a reaction to be processed into a thoughtful response instead. Reactions are the result of raw emotions—emotions that are unfiltered and unconscious, often founded in unresolved trauma or unacknowledged wounds. Because of this, reacting purely out of emotion can be violent and damaging, not just for whoever is on the opposite end of your reaction but to yourself as well. In fact, I'd argue that the primary purpose of a reaction is to make whoever triggered you feel the way that you do, or worse. In this sense, reactions can be seen as an emotionally immature ploy for empathy. But instead of clearly communicating one's feelings in a way that may invoke empathy, the tactic is to project the feeling directly onto the other person, subconsciously seeking validation for our own emotions through their mirrored distress.

I'd say this is clearly illustrated through the tribalism and reactionary behavior currently plaguing modern society. Each side of whatever issue refuses to try and see things from the perspective of their opponent and instead immediately blames their opposition. Humans prefer binary data because it doesn't take much processing, and this refusal to explore the nuance inherent to most issues in life contributes to our reactionary behavior. Society rewards lazy thinking, and that, coupled with most people's need for immediate gratification, makes it obvious why being reactionary is commonplace for most of us. As a result, conflict has no choice but to be confrontational rather than constructive, and progress stalls as we remain trapped in a cycle of blame and retaliation. The unfortunate truth is that most of us would rather be 'right' than understood, valuing the pleasure of righteousness over the peace of mutual understanding.

Empathy is such a critical component of being less reactionary because, in order to choose a response over a reaction, you have to care enough about whoever you're responding to not to intend to hurt them. It's hard for us human beings to admit that sometimes we want to hurt each other, and reacting without consideration is one of the main ways we do this. This is especially the case when someone has hurt us. I guess retaliation is a natural reaction to being hurt. I've seen videos of toddlers who were hit by a playmate and immediately swing back, even though they've been taught nothing about fighting or being violent. At the end of the day, human beings are animals, and I've never witnessed an animal that wouldn't defend itself when being attacked. That being said, human beings are not only animals. We are animals, but we've been blessed with the divine faculty of self-awareness, which means we have the capacity to think before we act, with practice, and even if we act before we think, we have the capacity to reconsider our position and apologize if we've made a mistake.

Emotionally speaking, many adults are still toddlers, but if you're reading this, I think it's safe to assume that you would not be included in that population. However, being more emotionally mature also places the responsibility on us to not be pulled into the reactionary games of our less emotionally developed peers. To be able to respond effectively and consistently, we first have to embrace the responsibility of being the bigger person when it comes to situations that may not necessarily be our fault. This means recognizing that our actions can either exacerbate or de-escalate conflicts and that choosing a measured response can pave the way for resolution and balance. It's about rising above the immediate impulse to retaliate and instead leading by example through patience, understanding, and thoughtful communication.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, leading by example is often the less appealing choice. God has done a lot of work on me, but I used to be one of the pettiest, most spiteful, and vindictive people you would have ever had the displeasure of crossing. And I enjoyed feeling that way! It felt good to be self-righteous and shit on the people who I felt deserved it. But life has taught me that the bulk of the pain I enjoyed inflicting on the people who deserved it was actually a reflection of the pain I felt deep within myself. And being guided to heal that pain naturally resulted in me no longer wanting to be so reactionary because I no longer wanted to be another cause for pain in the world.

Feelings Aren't Always Factual

Feelings are always valid, but they are not always true. This is why it's so important to spend time with our feelings and work to really understand them before acting on them, because once we calm down, we may find that our actions were not warranted. Many years ago, I heard the saying, "don't make permanent decisions based off of temporary emotions," and I found it especially powerful as someone who was quick to break up with someone based on how I felt in the moment, only to regret it days, if not hours, later when the initial feeling wasn't so prevalent. I have deep, deep trust in my feelings. But still, I have to acknowledge that just because I feel something, that doesn't mean the feeling is accurate. I could feel like you stole something from me and, in my heart of hearts, know that it's true. But if I don't have evidence to support that feeling, it's not really fair or wise to accuse you of it. And how big of a fool would I feel like if I eventually found the thing I accused you of stealing and lost a friend over nothing?

Listen, you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger advocate for feelings than your boy. If it tells you anything, I'm a Cancer Sun and a Cancer Moon, which essentially means that I live in my feelings, lol. Like, it used to kind of blow my mind when I would hear people say, "I'm in my feelings today," as if their feelings were just a place they visited from time to time, because I've always spent the bulk of my time in my feelings. So trust me when I say, I totally understand how powerful feelings are, how true and convincing they feel in the moment, and how important it feels to express them. But I've learned from experience that we have to interrogate our emotions and get to the bottom of why they're here to ensure that they are relevant to the situation at hand and not residue from a past trauma.

Let's say you have a bad day at work. Your manager calls you into their office and scolds you for not doing something the way they wanted you to. You feel resentment and anger towards your manager because you feel like they did a poor job of communicating what they wanted, but for the sake of being 'professional', you hold your feelings in. Later that day, you come home to your partner and she reminds you that you forgot to take the trash out. Immediately, you feel anger and resentment, and you react to her by expressing that you feel like she's always breathing down your neck or something like that. You go on about how you don't feel appreciated and how what you do is 'never good enough'. Your partner is confused and hurt because she was simply trying to remind you to take the trash out and doesn't feel like you're not good enough at all. What has actually happened is that your manager made you feel like you're not good enough, and your partner reminding you of something you failed to do re-triggers that pain, leading you to take it out on your partner who likely didn't deserve it.

If I had a nickel for every time I've had to apologize and say, "you didn't deserve that," or "that wasn't meant for you," I'd probably have less than a dollar, but I'd have more than a handful of reminders to ensure that whatever feelings I'm expressing in the moment towards a person are due to actions they took and not transgressions someone else took towards me. This is why space is such a critical aspect of responding effectively. In the heat of emotion, it's damn near impossible to think clearly because our awareness is so overwhelmed by the feelings we're experiencing. Feeling is a visceral experience. It is very physical and, as such, takes precedence over something more mental and subtle like thought.

Taking time and space before returning with a response allows the opportunity for emotions to die down and for us to engage critical thinking in order to process the emotions. A response is taking a raw emotion and refining it into a better-understood and more digestible product. Responses allow us to consider the broader context of our actions and the long-term consequences our words may carry. Unlike a reaction, the goal of a response is not to force empathy but to create understanding. Instead of potentially ruining a relationship like a reaction might, a response has the potential to strengthen it. By choosing to respond thoughtfully, we show respect for the other person's perspective and for our own emotional integrity, by being masters of our emotions instead of slaves to them.

He Who Angers You Controls You

I've spoken at length about my father, my strained relationship history with him, and how deeply it has affected my life. I've mentioned the fact that we didn't speak to each other for over 7 years, but I don't think I've ever said exactly why. During my senior year of high school, my father was kinda in my life. Meaning, we'd hang out from time to time, or I'd see him when I was visiting my grandmother or other people from that side of the family, but I definitely wouldn't say that we were close. I'd totaled my car in an accident the year prior, so he would give me rides from time to time when I didn't have anyone else to ask. One night, I was MC'ing a pageant at my school, and I had asked my father to come and pick me up from it once it was over. He came to pick me up, late, and when I got into the car, I could immediately tell that he'd been drinking. He was also a lot quieter than he typically is. All of a sudden, completely unprovoked and out of nowhere, he just starts berating me, calling me all types of names—nigga-this, motherfucker-that, talking about how I think that I'm better than him and I think I know everything. He said something about how my mama wanted to keep me away from him and how it's her fault that we're not close and that my last name was supposed to be Hunter (his last name). He threatened to beat my ass several times. Mind you, I'm 17 years old at this point. And though I probably would have lost, I definitely would have fought him if he were not currently driving a car, drunk, and because of that, I was afraid of us crashing. He said a lot of other things that I've forgotten, but one thing that he said that I didn't forget is he told me, 'you ain't shit and you're never gonna be shit'.

While I was in the car with him, I was pretty much unresponsive. I'm sure I defended myself in some way, but I was more concerned with not riling him up further so that I could make it home safely, as he was already swerving and not paying much attention to the road. Eventually, we got to my house. I got out of the car, and he reversed out of the driveway and skurted off down the road. I'd forgotten my keys before I left, so I had to sit on the porch and wait an hour or so for my mom to get home from work to let me in the house. My mom gets home and sees me on the porch, and as soon as she walks up to me, I just break down crying. She asks me what's wrong, and I struggled to get out, 'he said I ain't shit and I ain't ever gonna be shit,' through my cracking voice as she tried to console me. Those words played in my head over and over again for days, weeks, months. Not because they were true. I knew they weren't true, and I knew that he knew they weren't true. I was hurt, not because I felt like he actually felt that way about me, but because I knew that he said it because he wanted to hurt me – and he succeeded.

From that point on, he was dead to me. He didn't get an invite to my high school graduation. I didn't talk to him throughout college, and he didn't get an invite to my college graduation. Though he was dead to me in my mind, his words and actions still carried weight in my heart. Throughout relationships in college, I often used my lack of a relationship with him as an excuse for my toxic behaviors. Not only that, the spite I held towards him fueled me. I was determined to graduate college, something he never did. I was determined to get more women than him, as he primarily determined his worth that way. I was determined to get a good job, make more money than him, have a son and be an active presence in his life, see all the things, do all the things, and be able to say I did it all without him. I was determined to make him choke on his words. I wanted the mere thought of me to break his heart. I refused to refer to him as my dad or even my father—he was reduced to being my 'sperm donor' or Leroy. During the 7 years when we didn't speak, mutual family members often told me that he asked about me and wanted to talk to me, but I had no interest in speaking with him. I'd convinced myself that he didn't matter. He could have literally died, and I wouldn't have cared. I might have even celebrated a bit.

Then in 2014, my mom got diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and the threat of her impending demise tore my heart open. I started thinking heavily about her, myself, and my father. She was suffering tremendously, and so was I, and that opened me up a lot more to the suffering of others, which, to my surprise, also opened me up to the suffering of my father. Up until that point, I'd only seen my parents as two people who should have known better. It was really hard for me to have compassion for them because I saw them as people who owed me something and, in many ways, failed to give it to me. But there was something about my mom getting sick that made me realize that at the end of the day, my parents are just humans like me. Flawed humans who, though they probably try their best, will often fail to be who they want, let alone who I want them to be. This made me reflect on that situation I had with my father and see it in a different light. I no longer saw him only as a coward who abandoned his son, but as a suffering human, insecure and in pain, drowning his sorrows in alcohol and transient pleasure because he had no other tools for dealing with them. I saw him as a man who'd made a lot of poor choices, and though I've unfortunately never gotten to the bottom of what triggered his outburst that night, my theory is that he'd been drinking with some friends who'd gotten in his head about me, my mom, and our relationship and triggered him.

In the time since we'd fallen out, I'd lived a lot of life. I'd gotten into my first serious romantic relationships and saw sides of myself that I didn't know existed. I'd often gotten so angry with people that I claimed to love that I said hurtful things to them with the intention of hurting them, even though I knew deep down I was wrong. I'd had to deal with the struggles of life — being a broke college kid, having to work my way through school without failing, and also trying to maintain an often drama-filled social life. I'd seen that being an adult, even without kids, isn't so easy. I didn't know it while it was happening, but this space between the initial breakup with my father and our eventual reconciliation played a crucial part in me being able to empathize with him and being able to respond to what he said and did to me from a thoughtful, fair, and mature place.

Around Christmas time in 2014, I was back home in Laurens visiting my mom for the first time since she'd gotten sick and heard through my siblings that my father wanted to see me. And though I was a bit apprehensive, what I'd been going through with my mom softened me up quite a bit. I no longer wanted to be a slave to the spite I felt towards my father. I realized that in living my life to spite him, I was still giving him power over me, and that if I actually wanted to be free from his influence, I needed to forgive him and let go of the past.

My father apologized for being 'fucked up,' and though I've tried to have a deeper conversation about why he reacted the way he did, I can never get much out of him about it. Probably because he doesn't remember. Maybe he does remember but just doesn't have the strength to go there. I don't know. I've chalked it up to being one of those conversations I'll probably never get to have. But what I know for sure is that the 7 years we went without speaking were critical to me being able to respond to him with grace, mercy, and forgiveness. And though it was certainly hard to be the bigger person, it's a responsibility that I accept because I've been blessed with the clarity that despite it all, I do care about my father. I can see his reaction that night as an outburst of feelings that had more to do with how he felt about himself than it did with how he felt about me, and though I didn't deserve his reaction, it was not cause to put him out of my life permanently. We have a pretty stable relationship now, and though it'll never be what I wanted it to be, I'm grateful for the space and the grace that allowed a response that made the relationship we have today possible.

What's Going On In The World!?

Yesterday my cousin called me while I was resting after playing ball. I was a little worried when I first heard his voice because I could hear the panic in it. He first asks me where I am and after I tell him I'm at the crib he then tells me that Trump just got shot in Pennsylvania. I said 'what!?' He goes, "They just tried to assassinate Trump!" I hop on Twitter to see what's up and sure enough, there was an apparent assassination attempt on our boy Donny. I'ma be completely honest with you — my first thought was that it was staged. Everything about the video I saw just seemed off. To my understanding, whenever a President is scheduled to speak somewhere, the immediate area is secured weeks in advance to ensure that stuff like this doesn't happen and they were saying the shot came from from a rooftop a few hundred feet away, so that was red-flag number 1. Red flag number 2 is that immediately after being shot and swarmed by secret service, Trump pops up, doesn't look around at all but immediately finds a camera and throws the 'orange-power' fist in the air for a photo op. Now, I've never been directly shot at but I've been in the vicinity of shootings many times and usually when someone is shooting, the immediate reaction is to make sure you're not in the line of fire. I had stray bullets hit my house once when someone was trying to kill my next door neighbor and immediately threw my little brother to the floor and stayed laying down with him until I was certain the shooting was over. So it's just super strange to me that after allegedly being hit, Trump had the wherewithal to stand up, find a camera, and pose in a way that he knew would go viral and be celebrated by his supporters.

That being said and in the spirit of this newsletter, I don't want to react immediately and would rather want until more information comes out to come to a conclusion but something smells fishy for sure. 2024 has been a weird ass year, not only collectively, but personally. I think something is shifting on an energetic level and we're going to keep seeing things like this happening for the foreseeable future. It's a grave oversimplification but I think what's happening is that we are being forced to choose the reality that we want to live in collectively and that those who choose love, peace, and union are shifting onto a different timeline than those who are committed to fear, conflict, and separation. And that these events that are happening in the physical are catalysts to facilitating this shift. It's a purging of sorts and those who are refusing to evolve are going to be left behind to live in the chaotic world they've committed to creating and sustaining.

Like, I wouldn't say this has been a bad year for me at all. But it's been incredibly challenging. Mostly due to an internal experience that's hard to talk about at the present but has been a key part of the evolution I've been experiencing on a personal level. I feel like I'm being initiated into a new way of being and I often catch glimpses of where I'm headed but this transitional period is ripe with growing pains. Zora Neale Hurston said, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." 2023 asked me how do I want to show up in the world? 2024 is answering that question but the answer, like me, is still in process. On a more micro level, I've still been really enjoying playing pickup basketball regularly again and last week I went to the local climbing gym to look for more local friends and I plan to do that again later this week.

Please do not let the apparent chaos of the world knock you off your center. This is why it's so important that we stay committed to the work — so that when the world goes dark, we can be beacons of light for those who are searching for a way out of the darkness. Now more than ever it's important to not be a reactionary slave because that's how we are manipulated and controlled. As leaders of this new paradigm, we have to accept the responsibility that comes with the power of being able to see and experience the world from a higher perspective. I know this is super long. As per usual, it was not my intention, but I actually enjoyed writing this one and I think it's pretty good so I'm not sorry — but do you wanna fight?! lol

With love,

Micheal Sinclair 💜