Perception Is NOT Reality

What you see is not always what you get

When people say that 'perception is reality', they mean that how we perceive something is what makes it real to us and that ultimately, what matters is not what the thing actually is but what we believe it to be. Let's say there was a creek in your backyard and you really wanted to explore the creek but as you moved closer to it, you saw some brown thing, coiled tightly by the creek's bank. Your mother had warned you that snakes like to hang by creeks and, being terrified of the creatures, you didn't dare get any closer to the creek you wanted to explore out of fear that it might be dangerous. Each day you'd go outside hoping that today would be the day that the snake had slithered away, leaving you to finally experience the creek in peace. But to your dismay, each day that you checked, the snake was still there.

Weeks pass by but one day you finally muster up the courage to move close enough to the snake to see whether or not it's still living. Upon closer inspection, much to your surprise, you discover that not only is the snake not alive but there's actually no snake there at all. What you'd spent so much time being afraid of was just a rope that someone had left behind. There was never any real danger between yourself and your desire, but your perception caused you to go without it for a lot longer than was necessary.

While it's true that perception substantially influences our experience of reality, it's really important to understand that perception is usually influenced by our beliefs, fears, and past experiences. This means that perception is never inherently objective or entirely rooted in what actually is and this can sometimes create barriers that aren't actually real. That being said, getting the most out of this experience called 'life' means getting into the habit of questioning our perceptions and regularly taking a closer look at things we are afraid of or don't understand. It means consciously uncovering and confronting the biases we all have towards other people, places, and things and boldly exploring what is unknown to us with an open mind.

I remember when I first tried guacamole at the age of 23. I was in Boston, working my first job out of college, and the team I’d recently joined regularly went out to lunch together. Avocados were not a part of my diet growing up. In fact, I think the first time I’d ever seen an avocado was the same day I first tried guacamole — when the server pulled out a couple to prepare the dish at our table.

Being a heavy meat-eater at the time, the idea of a vegetable-based dip did not sound appetizing to me. I must admit, the bright green, chunky consistency of the guac didn’t help my perception of it at all. I was still pretty closed-minded back then, especially regarding food, and had already convinced myself that I wouldn’t like it. But since I was new on my team, I wanted to impress my co-workers and challenge their perception of me being a country bumpkin. So, begrudgingly, I tried it and... I LOVED it. It was love at first taste.

I'd never eaten a vegetable (technically a fruit but stay with me) that was so flavorful — it blew my expectations out of the water and proved my perception to be totally off base. Guac and I have been in a love affair ever since. I remember feeling a bit cheated when I thought of how much of my life I’d wasted not enjoying this delicacy and how my perception of it almost prevented me from ever experiencing it.

Privilege means not having to worry about how you're perceived

Existing as a Black person in a predominantly White society means usually being hyper aware of how you're being perceived. What many White people don't understand about White privilege is that when you're White, in most social circumstances, you rarely have to think to yourself, 'does the person I'm interacting with hate White people?' This unconscious freedom allows White folks to navigate social interactions without the added burden of racial bias and suspicion, a privilege that Black people and other people of color usually only experience when we're amongst each other. The constant awareness of race and the potential prejudices that come with it can be exhausting and affects how Black people present themselves, make decisions, and perceive their own value. Couple this with the troubled history of Black people in America and how we are often portrayed in mainstream media and you have a situation where Black people are often perceived to be inherently 'guilty' of something. This triggers many of us to go above and beyond to prove ourselves to be just as innocent, just as human, and just as worthy as everyone else.

What led me to choosing the featured image that I did for this post is that Black men are often perceived as reckless, violent, and aggressive thugs and me being pictured with a gun in one hand, and a bottle of tequila in the other would likely give you the perception that I was using liquor to work up the nerve to go slide on my opps. But in reality, the reason that I'm holding a gun and a bottle of liquor in this picture is because it was the day of a wedding in which I was the 'best man', and the gun and the liquor were tools to ensure that I fulfilled my duty in making sure that the groom made it to the altar, lol.

Many times I've felt judged by a non-black person because of how I looked only to see their demeanor change once I started speaking. At first these interactions really annoyed me but over time I started seeing them as opportunities to be the change that I wanted to see in the world. Because, just like in the earlier example with the snake that turned out to be a rope, we have to understand that perception is learned and often based in beliefs that were inherited. Which means that any person that I come across who judges me based off of my appearance is likely doing so because of things they've been told or prior experiences that they've had. What we often believe to be hatred can more accurately be attributed to ignorance and I learned to appreciate the opportunity to expose someone's ignorant perception to them as much as I appreciate when others expose my ignorant perceptions to me.

Many years ago I remember reading an article about how Black women, along with Asian men, are the least desirable demographics when it comes to the dating market. Now I must admit, I've never been attracted to an Asian man, or any man, so I can't really speak on their desirability, but as someone who's always found every race of women attractive and who's always found Black women to be the most attractive, I thought the article must have just been clickbait. On top of that, I've had many white male friends over the years who would tell me that they found Black women attractive and always wanted to hookup with one. At the time, I objectified women as much as the next man so hearing that they'd sleep with a Black woman was evidence enough for me that they found Black women attractive. But what I didn't realize at the time is that, just because they'd sleep with a Black woman, doesn't mean they'd date one.

It didn't mean they'd take one home to meet their parents or marry one. In other words, they saw Black women as objects of their pleasure but not necessarily anything more. And then I understood: it's not that Black women are seen as undesirable on a physical level, it's that the perception of Black women is seen as undesirable on a mental level. It's why many Black women have heard something like, 'you're pretty for a Black girl', because regardless of how beautiful a Black woman might be on an individual level, Blackness as a whole is collectively seen as ugly to many of those who are outside of it. Digging deeply into why this is would require a post of its own but what I will say here is that I pity anyone who allows their perception to cheat them out of experiencing the magic that is a Black woman.

Did you hear about Richard Cory?

One of the thoughts that makes me feel the most lonely is that no one will ever know me the way that I know me. I often ponder over how I am perceived in the world. I really have no idea what people think of me outside of the words of a handful. And even with those words, no matter how sweet or harsh they may be, they could only ever represent a fraction of who I am. Perception is not reality; perception is perception. Perception is personal and wholly dependent on your point of view. Say we climb a mountain together; we walk the same path and when we get the peak, we both enjoy the view. But the view we are enjoying is not the same view. I'm 6'1" and unless you're the exact same height, then there's no way your picture and my picture would look the same. And even if we were the same height, I could be focused on the horizon with my view while you could be focused on the forest below with your own. We share a reality, that is true. But how we perceive this reality is always personal and based on your unique point of view.

I know who I am to myself but I have no clue who I am to others. There are as many versions of 'Micheal' as there are people that I've met, and I'll never know exactly who 'Micheal' is from their perspectives. This makes it difficult for me to feel connected to others because I'm not quite sure who they think they are connecting to. The Micheal that I know myself to be and the Micheal that is known by others are likely so far away from each other that I can't even fathom it, and that's a bit unsettling.

This disconnect creates a sense of isolation, as if I'm constantly navigating through different realities. It's challenging to build genuine relationships when you're unsure if people are connecting with the 'real' you or just a fragmented version they've constructed in their minds. This realization has forced me to grapple with the fluidity of identity and the limitations of perception. Ironically, it has also helped free me from feeling the need to perform because I can never know how that performance is going to be interpreted. The strongest argument for living authentically is that ultimately, we cannot control how people are going to perceive us, so we may as well live in the way that feels truest to ourselves.

I remember reading a poem in high school that succinctly sums up how perception and reality, particularly regarding people, are not always aligned. It goes like this:

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

—Richard Cory by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Though Richard Cory was a fictional character, we've all heard stories of people who seemingly had it all from the outside looking in but inwardly were fighting and eventually succumbed to an inward emptiness. Smiling is not a technically difficult thing to do—all it takes is a handful of facial muscles activating. And all too often we perceive the smiles of others and believe that it is a representation of happiness or contentment when, in reality, it is just a mask that is covering immense pain and suffering. I truly wish for all beings to have what they need in order to live a physically comfortable life but I also pity the people who perceive that having a lot of things equates to having a fulfilling life. Because in reality, you can be extremely happy with very little and you can be extremely sad with a lot. And that's precisely why it's important to understand that perception is not reality. Because if we're not careful, we'll live our lives to please the superficial perception of others and in doing so, will likely stray further and further away from the reality that actually aligns with our own highest good.

Special Books By Special Kids + What's Going On With Me

I've recently been watching a lot of videos from a Youtube Channel called "Special Books By Special Kids" which is a channel that specializes in interviewing people with physical, mental, and/or emotional disabilities. Growing up, I, like many people, used to participate in teasing the kids at school who were in the 'special' class. I, like many, often called insulted 'normal' people by calling them 'retards', or 'slow', or a number of other insensitive, inconsiderate, and childish names. As I got older and more mature, I stopped teasing these people and stopped using language that diminished and instead started pitying them, which isn't much better. But now as I watch these people, and how many of them are genuinely happy and enjoying their lives, as they are, I can't help but wonder if us 'normal' folks are the ones who should be pitied.

I feel like sharing this channel is aligned with this month's theme of "Perception and Reality" because in watching these people, I'm discovering that being 'able-bodied' does not necessarily mean being 'better' or that being 'disabled' does not mean being unable to live a joyous life. Listening to these stories has reinforced to me that we're all a lot more similar than we could ever be different. These stories have also definitely granted me a greater appreciation for my own circumstances because I can tell that these people have genuinely suffered in a way that I truly can't fathom and yet, most of them are really grateful for and enthusiastic about their lives. I watched a couple videos of some autistic couples that really touched me because of how pure, innocent, and uninfluenced by societal norms their love for each other seemed to be. There was also this little girl who just wanted a best friend, something I think many of us can relate to. I'm going to share a couple of the videos that resonated with me the most below but I encourage you to explore the channel if you feel called to do so — there are a lot of cool stories on it.

Griffin and Rachel - An Autistic Marriage

Direct Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47S-wnKND6s&ab_channel=SpecialBooksbySpecialKids

Olivia - An Autistic Kid Who Just Wants a Best Friend

Direct Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pbP4_pTxOs&ab_channel=SpecialBooksbySpecialKids

This past week I've been thinking a lot about commitment—specifically my commitment to this newsletter. My workload at my day job has been picking up a bit and that coupled with life's other tasks has, at times, made me wish I could drop this newsletter to have one less thing to worry about. And I'm sure I could drop this newsletter without much of an issue. I'm sure the five people who read these things wouldn't mind at all, lol. But I'm not going to drop it because I want to show myself that I can show up for something consistently for at least a year. Though it has been painful at times, doing these every week has taught me a lot. One of the biggest lessons it's taught me is that it only makes sense to commit to things that you cannot imagine living without. And I've learned that I can certainly live without writing long-form every week, lol.

I used to think that I was afraid of commitment but I've learned that I'm not afraid of commitment, it's just that I don't think commitment is natural. Like, the Sun doesn't rise every day because it's committed to the Earth but rather, spinning comes naturally to the Earth and the Sun rising and setting is a consequence of the Earth's nature. Don't get me wrong, I do see value in commitment; it's just that I think we often commit because of what our egos desire in the moment and not because of what feels most aligned with our being. And going forward, I only want to commit to people, places, and things that feel natural to commit to. People, places, and things that feel easy to commit to. People, places, and things that I can't imagine living without. As we grow, the things that we are committed to must grow as well. And if they do not, then I feel that is grounds for the commitment to be reconsidered and, if necessary, dropped entirely. Because a commitment that you don't desire is a prison and I refuse to spend my entire life enslaved to anyone or anything.

Perception and reality are two things that I spend a lot of time mulling over so I'm excited to see where this topic takes us this month and I hope you are too.

With love,

Micheal Sinclair 💜