I'll Cry If I Want To
Many of us were cursed as children. The spell that cursed us went something like this: 'Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.'
Crying is alchemy
Some years ago, me and a few homeboys were sitting around shootin' the shit when, somehow, the topic of crying came up. We were all pretty open, so I and another guy had no problem admitting that we cry sometimes. But I remember one of the fellas told us that he can't cry. He said it, not in a macho kind of way, as if he was tougher than us, but more so in an introspective way, as if this was the first time he'd ever thought about it and realized that perhaps there may be something blocking his ability to cry. And he's not the first guy I've heard this from.
It's kinda mind-blowing to me because I received the same indoctrination as a little boy that many other little boys receive: 'boys don't cry,' and that crying makes you weak or less of a man. But that never really stopped me from crying. It definitely forced me to hide my tears out of fear of being shamed or ridiculed for a long time, but I've always been someone who cries when I'm emotionally overwhelmed — positively or negatively. I think that's what people don't understand about crying — we're taught that it's the result of someone being too weak to control their emotions, but in reality, it's a medium through which to process emotions. And in my opinion, there are some emotions that have to be processed through tears.
Many of us were cursed as children. The spell that cursed us went something like this: 'Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.' I didn't pry as to why when my homeboy admitted that he couldn't cry, but if I had to guess, I'd wager that he was probably cursed with the aforementioned spell just like I and perhaps you were. This curse is so damaging, especially to a child, because it communicates that 1) whatever you're feeling right now isn't valid and not worthy of attention or compassion, and 2) if you don't suppress this invalid emotion, you are going to be punished with pain. In other words, either pretend that you're not feeling anything or prepare to be made to feel even worse. This inadvertently creates a relationship to crying for many children where, in their minds, crying equals pain, and in my opinion, this is why so many adults, especially men, find it difficult to cry. It creates a situation where they're damned if they do and damned if they don't — either they spend their whole lives not processing emotions that invoke tears and deal with the suffering that comes with that, or, god forbid, they do cry and then have to deal with the shame of feeling not 'man enough' to keep their emotions in.
I've shared before that when I was cut from my middle school basketball team, I excused myself to the bathroom to cry without my friends seeing because if they would have, I would have been clowned relentlessly. This behavior continued throughout high school and college. Very, very rarely (and always inadvertently) would I let someone see me cry during these years — it was always reserved for when I was home alone, in my room or in the shower. But when my mom got diagnosed with cancer, something in me shifted. It's like whatever shame I used to carry regarding being seen crying or emotional was vastly overshadowed by the sheer weight of emotions that I felt surrounding my mother, and I just simply no longer gave a shit what anyone thought about me crying. So, though they were usually quiet tears — the kind of tears that you wouldn't even notice were you not staring right in my face — I've cried in many public places. Because I know that crying is alchemy, it transforms raw emotion into something more tangible, something that's easier to make sense of. Emotions are best processed when they first arise; otherwise, you run the risk of carrying the emotion until a 'better time' (which often never comes) or, more realistically, projecting them onto others or having them triggered at a later, even less convenient time.
Not all tears are created equal
One of the most annoying things about the stigma around crying is that most people see tears and immediately think that a person is sad, in distress, or emotionally unstable in some way. But pain isn't the only cause for crying. I've cried during all of the highest moments of my life, and during these moments, not only did I feel good, I felt so good that the only way to express what I was feeling was through crying. What a profound experience!
Music often moves me to tears. A few films have moved me to tears. Even a video game has moved me to tears. Sometimes just witnessing the random kindness of strangers moves me to tears. Often reflecting on how my life has unfolded brings me to tears. Crying tears of joy is literally one of the highest experiences a human can have, and it's a shame that many people will never experience it because they've been trained to believe that crying is an error.
Science agrees that tears vary in cause and use. According to a WebMD article, there are three types of tears: basal, reflex, and emotional. Emotional tears contain more stress hormones and natural painkillers than other types of tears. Crying being accompanied by the body's painkillers should be evidence enough that crying is a natural response to pain, a natural part of the healing process. By refusing to cry, you're cheating yourself out of a natural, non-addictive, and dare I say, pleasant means of caring for yourself.
Emotions may not be made out of matter, but they certainly carry weight, which is why life feels heavy when we're emotionally overwhelmed. And that's why crying usually makes us feel lighter — because it provides a direct path for getting intense emotions, both positive and negative, out of the body.
Crying is disturbing
The newsletter prompted me to ponder a lot about why crying is so stigmatized for men, and I think a lesser-considered reason is because crying is disturbing. Yes, crying is an annoying sound (by design) that is mentally frustrating, and that's one reason why many of us hate hearing it. But I think a deeper reason why crying is shunned is because it reminds us of the human condition that we so badly try to forget on a day-to-day basis. Seeing a baby cry is one thing; seeing a full-grown, bearded man cry is something entirely different. Men, being bolstered as the 'strong' half of the species, generally do not cry openly. So when seeing a man cry, you know that something terrible has happened. And I think society hates to see men cry because it destroys their illusion of men being something other than human. It forces society to confront the fact that men have feelings too. And men don't want to do that. Many women don't want to do that either, despite what they may tell you. So we treat men crying as some sort of conspiracy that everyone knows is true but there's some unspoken agreement to pretend it doesn't happen (like women pooping, lol).
I remember when I was 11, my aunt died at the young age of 32. This wasn't the first child my grandmother had buried, but it was the first child she'd buried who died as an adult. My grandmother was and still is the strongest person I've ever known. The amount she's had to overcome and endure would simply be unbearable for me. But despite that, she's always been solid as a rock and consistent in her temperament, her values, her duties, and her commitment to serving her family. I'd never seen her cry until my aunt died. I'd barely ever seen her get angry or frustrated. So when the news of my aunt passing hit her and I heard her cry for the first time, it was the most haunting sound I'd ever heard in my life. It went straight through my body, directly to the core of my being. And it scared the shit out of me. It was one of the first moments where I began to understand the suffering of the human condition and that life wasn't just all play and games. I was scared, not so much by the sound that she made but rather by the fact that she was making it. The strongest person I knew was so hurt that she was crying, and it disturbed me because of what that meant for someone I didn't consider strong — myself.
Whether for pain or joy, crying is disturbing because it is communicative. It is an outward expression, one that is not always so easily hidden, because it's supposed to grab the attention of others. I'm as big of a loner as they come, so even though it pains me to say this out loud, we humans need each other. We humans are dependent on each other. To be completely honest, I think we humans primarily exist to serve each other. And sharing the burden of emotions is one way that we serve each other. Emotions are often a burden too heavy to bear completely on our own. I think this is true even for positive emotions and the tears of joy they can bring. Happiness can only be sustained when it is shared, and surely one of the greatest cures for despair is companionship. So I think crying is a disturbing expression because it is designed to initiate sharing.
Something To Cry About
It's really bizarre to me how toughness for men is equated to a willingness and capacity to be violent because you don't have to be tough at all to be violent — just stupid. On the contrary, a proclivity to violence is often evidence of a lack of emotional fortitude. I'm sure that's why so many violent criminals have histories of being emotionally abused. It's so true that hurt people hurt people, but what would be more true is that hurt people, who don't have a healthy relationship with their emotions or tools to process them, hurt people.
Crying, especially as a man, is one of the toughest things you can do because not only do you have to overcome your own raw emotions and consciously experience the intensity of those feelings, you also have to overcome social conditioning of the belief that crying makes you less of a man. You have to confront the risk that certain people will no longer see you as a 'man' if you openly express your emotions, and be okay with the possibility of those people no longer being in your life. The reason why so many men are so quick to physically fight is that the risk of injury in a fistfight seems much lower than the risk of injury in facing their emotions, and that should really blow your mind.
In my opinion, there's nothing less manly than being controlled by the opinions of other men. I see so many so-called 'masculine men' who have no original thoughts. No unique style. No flavor. No depth. No appreciation for life outside of pleasure and who, whether they realize it or not, live primarily to impress other men. I really can't respect you as 'tough' if you're not willing to feel your feelings. Anybody can feign toughness while wearing a full suit of figurative armor by rejecting and denying any feeling that they don't want to deal with. But someone who is truly tough isn't afraid to be vulnerable because they have already explored their vulnerabilities and, as such, are already aware of and prepared for how those vulnerabilities might be exploited.
I'm well aware that masculinity looks different on me, but one of the main ways masculinity expresses itself through me is by me doing what I want to. Dressing how I want to. Speaking how I want to. Going where I want to. Being interested in whatever I want to, regardless of whether it's traditionally considered 'manly' or not. Yesterday being my birthday had me in a celebratory spirit, and it reminded me that this life is a party — a celebration of what it means to be alive. And for me, a big part of being alive is the experience of crying, so I'd much rather be alone than feel pressured not to do something that feels so natural to me. My life is my party and I'll cry if I want to!
What's Going On With Me?
Yesterday commenced my 34th trip around the Sun. I shared on instagram how this birthday doesn't really feel significant and how I feel a certain freedom because of it. Birthdays have always been heavy days for me because what I received on them seldom met my expectation of what I thought they would bring. And honestly, I now feel like we all make too much of a big deal out of them. Don't get me wrong, surviving on this planet for 365 days is a cause for celebration but traditionally birthdays bring this pressure with them of needing to feel special which can often make the day feel like more a burden than a blessing.
For my birthday, I went hiking and it was so nice to be physically, mentally, and digitally(!!) cut off from the rest of the population for a while. It was so peaceful to literally not be able to get on the internet and instead to be fully enveloped in the nature around me. 33 was one of the most challenging years of my life but it also propelled me into a new era that I'm sure is going to be even more fruitful than the one I'm leaving behind. And I'm excited to see what this next year has in store.
With love,
Micheal Sinclair 💜
I want to preface this by saying that I absolutely cannot fathom the difficulty of raising a child and how mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing it is and how sometimes I'm sure that would lead one to tell their child to 'stop crying'. That being said, I can't picture myself ever telling a child, or an adult, to 'stop crying' because though I lack the experience of a parent, I do have the experience of a child, and I know first hand how damaging it was for myself to carry around the belief that crying was something that made me less of a person. Even if I was completely fed up and frustrated with the sound of crying, I know that just telling someone to stop won't actually solve the problem. The problem is, there is an intense feeling or a group of intense feelings that are seeking expression and in my own experience, the only way to pacify those intense feelings is to let them be expressed. Nothing is sustained without an energy source so, when the energy of intense emotions have been fully exhausted, the crying should naturally stop.
The title for this newsletter was inspired by the song 'It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To'