Fantasy, Diversity, and Exclusion
Self-hatred never originates within oneself but rather is a projection onto oneself from one's environment. In that sense, self-hatred is not hatred of the self at all—rather it is hatred of how the self is perceived.
One of my favorite mechanics in video games is being able to create the main protagonist whom I'll get to play as and to model that character after myself. A character who would be the center of the story. A character who has charisma, charm, and powerful abilities. A character who almost always gets the girl. A character who would inevitably become a hero and save the world. A character who would somehow achieve all these things while often being the only Black character in their fantasy world.
Recently, the new American administration's efforts to decrease diversity in government have been all over the news, but this resistance to diversity in America is not new—it has been brewing for years, even in places you wouldn't suspect, like the video game industry. For the past 10 years or so, many video game studios have made an intentional effort to include more diverse characters in their games to connect with a broader audience. While this has been celebrated by many, there are others who felt attacked by the idea that anyone other than a straight White male should be represented in fantasy entertainment.
It was a blessing and a curse to be placed in accelerated and "gifted and talented" classes in grade school. A blessing because it often meant I had access to the best teachers and the highest quality of education. A curse because I was often the only one or one of a few Black kids in these classrooms which was incredibly isolating. Even though these other kids were technically my peers, they also had a very different experience than I did. So, while it was likely meaningless for them to listen to our White teacher read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn aloud and hear her say "Nigger Jim" (one of the main characters of the book) just as easily as she said her own name, for me it was incredibly uncomfortable to hear because I was the only kid in the room who could also be called "nigger" and to whom that word carried an incredible amount of emotional weight.
The reason creating a character who looked like me in video games meant so much to me is that in most of the games I played and media I watched growing up, the protagonist was White and came from a background and culture I couldn't fully relate to or see myself in. And if there was a Black main character, they were usually in a supporting role, intentionally diminished to bolster the qualities of their White saviors. So the opportunities I had to create my own character in video games—a Black character—were often the only times I could envision myself as something powerful, magical, and heroic instead of just a pawn in someone else's story.
The Fantasy of Fairness
Privilege comes in many forms, and one of the most overlooked forms of White privilege is seeing yourself represented positively in media so frequently that it feels normal. So normal that if a video game or movie decides to have a Black or other non-White protagonist, you completely lose your shit and do everything in your power to ensure that project's failure.
This was illustrated most recently with the cancellation of "The Acolyte", a Star Wars spin-off featuring a Black woman as the main protagonist. So—called "fans" of the series spewed hateful comments on Twitter and elsewhere before the show ever aired — primarily because of the main character's ethnicity.
Something similar happened back in 2017 when one of my favorite video game IPs, Dishonored, published a new entry in the series featuring not only a Black female main character but a gay Black female main character. The response from many of the series' loyalists was disgusting, to say the least. From their perspective, the only reason a game studio would dare to have a main character who wasn't a White man was because they were being pressured by social justice warriors—because clearly, it's impossible for anyone other than a White male to have a story that is interesting, engaging, or worth experiencing
I really despise that we live in such a race-centric world, but since we do, representation is of the utmost importance. We can only become what we've beheld, and when it comes to becoming, it is crucial to see someone who looks like you doing what you aspire to do one day because they serve as proof that, despite your common struggles, your dream is possible.
I can imagine being White and hearing Issa Rae say, "I'm rooting for everybody Black" at the Emmys and feeling offended by it because it sounds like her allegiance is to color rather than craft. But the reason she said that is because when you're so used to not seeing Black people excel in spaces outside of music and sports, seeing Black people in those arenas makes you want them to win. Because you know that by winning, they’ll inspire others who look like them to follow in their footsteps.
Meritocracy is largely an illusion rooted in fantasy because people rarely attain positions of power over others fairly. It is an illusion weaponized by the oppressor to attack the oppressed's self-esteem, convincing them that their oppression is due to their own inadequacy—when, in reality, no oppressor has ever risen to power through merit alone but rather through nepotism, networking, and exploitation.
So to hear the Trumps and Elon Musks of the world claim that DEI prevents the ‘best people’ from holding positions of power is laughable, because I know neither of these men would be where they are if merit were the sole deciding factor.
The Consequences of Self-Hatred
I truly feel that if 17 year-old Solomon Henderson had been exposed to better representation of the beauty and humanity of Black people, he wouldn't have felt compelled to identify as a "Black white-supremacist" or to have shot up his school cafeteria in Nashville, Tennessee, a couple weeks ago. Solomon allegedly wrote about being ashamed of being Black and feeling subhuman—thoughts that, I think, would surprise you by how many other Black people have dealt with at some point as well.
I've written before about how growing up Black contributed to my feelings of unworthiness and how an experience of being rejected by a White crush—solely for being Black—in high school helped teach me to love the skin I'm in. But when your own country has done everything in its power to exclude you, marginalize you, and diminish your value since its inception, it is hard not to feel worthless and hopeless. I so often see White political pundits pointing to the Black on Black violence in the south side of Chicago and other hoods as evidence of Black people's lack of humanity. But what they intentionally over look is that the self-hatred that drives my kindred to want to kill each other originated in the hatred that our country projected onto us—the psychological manipulation that forced us to see ourselves and our lives as less valuable than those of our White counterparts.
Self-hatred never originates within oneself but rather is a projection onto oneself from one's environment. In that sense, self-hatred is not hatred of the self at all—rather it is hatred of how the self is perceived. Since so many people are perceived in ways that are harmful, it's no wonder why self-hatred is so rampant in today's society and I'm afraid this attack on diversity has the potential to make things much worse in that regard.
That coupled with the fact that most of us have these brainwashing devices called phones tethered to us nearly every moment of every day means that the powers that be have a direct method of influencing how we see ourselves and each other; and if we're not careful, we will have to deal with the consequences of being influenced to hate both.
This is a part of why I'm so committed to being who I am fully—despite the threat of being misunderstood, ostracized, or hated. Because I feel compelled to be an example of what it's possible to become. Not so much for others to become like me but so they'll feel more free to be like themselves and won't feel so threatened by others choosing to be themselves as well.
Diversity is an incredibly beautiful thing, and despite what people try to convince you of, a homogeneous society only exists in fantasy. We depend on each other, and now that those in power are intent on dividing us further, it is more important than ever to foster genuine, authentic connections—with ourselves and with our communities.
What's Going On With Me?
🎵 It's the end of the world as we know it — and I feel fine 🎵🤷🏽♂️
It feels good to be back! There's a lot less pressure on me with these newsletters this year. Last year I was super committed to not missing a week because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be consistent regardless. This year, I'm still committed to publishing a newsletter each week but I also don't feel like anything is going to break if I miss a week... or two... or five — so if/when that happens, just wish me well and mind ya business! lol
I shared a post on Instagram today, for the first time in a long time, and in the caption I highlighted that despite the world getting more chaotic by the day, I feel more mentally healthy than I ever have before.
This is because "the world" is largely a personal experience. Say aliens invaded and said that they are going to destroy the Earth in 6 months and there's nothing we can do to stop them. But that very same day, your crush, someone you're secretly in love with, hits you up and tells you that they are in love with you too and they want nothing more than to spend the last 6 months of existence with you. Despite the threat of impending doom, I'd be willing to wager that those 6 months would still be the best 6 months of your life.
Similarly, if we can find personal fulfillment in our day to day lives, what's happening out in the world won't matter so much. The world is chaotic by design which means that peace can only be found within.
I've been making music again lately and it's been so much fun because these days I'm creating for the sake of expression and not for the sake of attention. I just want to share what comes through me and I really don't care about how many people listen or like it but I will be elated if people do like it. I'm going to start posting my music on Youtube soon and when I do, I'll definitely share the link to that channel if you want to check it out. For now, you can see some of my most recent musings in my Instagram highlights.
Lately the Universe has been connecting me with people who can see my value and who have been speaking life and encouragement into me and if you are one of those people reading this, I just want to say thank you and I appreciate you more than you know.
I don't know what's going to happen the rest of this year but what I do know is that I'm going to keep shining my light and I really hope that you will too. If you, like me, took January off, don't worry, we still have 11 months to make this year special and I truly hope that despite how things appear out there, 2025 is one of the best years of your life.
With love,
Micheal Sinclair 💜